I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
