so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
