i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
