i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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