I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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