mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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