There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
3pm strippers are depressing
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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