According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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