ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
