i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
