As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
