my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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