he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just want to make out with him forever
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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