Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
