I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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