I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Are we still banned from the library?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
