If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
