It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
