I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
