My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
