I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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