I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
