she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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