I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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