I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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