god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
