you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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