i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
