How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
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