i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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