i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
