I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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