made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
