She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
