My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
