Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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