I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
