i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
