Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
