no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
