She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
