i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
