Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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