Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
