moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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