I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
