I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
