mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
