Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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