I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
operation have a gay friend backfired
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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