I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
