i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
