Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
