Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
