God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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