our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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