i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
