How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
