apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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